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This England team - dash it, indict 'em!
These Indians - why can't we fight 'em?
See, there goes a wicket,
A wicket, a wicket -
(Repeat until ad infinitum).
Romney's run has now come to a close
With his views not so far from Pangloss
His best possible world
Has completely unfurled
With Latinos outnumbering Anglos
C.I.A.'s General Petraeus
Has quit for a fling, but I say thus:
Is it not just his life?
Between him and his wife?
Or did this General betray us?

At last my new iphone has come
And I navigate well with my thumb
But although it's called called smart
The embarrassing part
Is the way Siri makes me feel dumb
Obama's opponent was stiff
But for him not much more that a tiff
But there's no time to gloat
As we paddle our boat
To the top of the great fiscal cliff
After Sandy left terrible scenes
New York City still shovels and cleans
Will the town be the same?
Does it need a new name?
A catchy one like New Yorleans
You proles have no reason to whine -
Rush off to your food-bank and dine!
It's time to let rip:
We're off double-dip,
And back to our good old flatline!

Let prisoners vote? This must fail.
We must keep them outside the pale.
Tax-dodgers and hackers,
Of course, are my backers,
But only the plebs go to jail.
Alpine clothes are in style once again
Since they flatter in town and in glen
Showing shoulders so high
And a strong, hairy thigh
And we're not yet describing the men
I'm having a terrible time!
I'm up to my dewlap in slime,
Fare-dodging and sleaze -
But now here's a good wheeze:
Crack down on the little folks' crime!
When offered a rug with deep shag
The Brit asked the Yank for a fag
"Do you want me all pissed?"
"Only if you insist."
The puzzle is which had jet lag
Still denying he did any wrong
Lance will soon have to sing a new song
As his sponsors unwind
It's clear drugs were behind
Making head strong Amrstrong so leg strong
Clever writing is such a hard trick
That it pays to be just a bit sick
But the treatment, no doubt
Is to work it all out
In the form of an apt limerick
A new bed sore cure has been found
Using shorts and electrical ground
Though meant for behind
The thrill's more, you'll find
If you wear them the wrong way around
Protesting collusive fat-cattitude
Makes for an un-Christian attitude.
Now be a good prole,
Crawl back in your hole -
And do help yourself to a platitude.
Now, here's a conundrum to mull:
When cows are turned on to the full
And make smartphones bleep,
Will they get mates to keep
Or just technological bull?
We have etiquette rules to impart
which in lifts should be taken to heart:
Respect others space
Do not look in their face
And make sure that you stifle that fart
In Peru there's a festival that's
A place you can go to eat cats
But when it's all done
And they eat the last one
Will the festival then switch to rats?

I've sneaked through the gallery mobs
And outraged the modern-art snobs!
Before they could blink
I added my ink,
And value to Rothko's big blobs!
Moving light speed like some crazed amoker
Is the dream of a cross country trucker
If we could go that fast
We'd end up in the past
Because speed is a cosmic clocksucker
A charming Conservative spiv
Wrote things most imaginative;
But was it a try
At living a lie,
Or was he just lying to live?
While my bowels perform a capella
Since the salmon produced salmonella
I sit here all vexed
And I wonder what's next
Will my nut snack now give me Nutella?
A virginal contract was made;
The sleepers were happily laid -
But it all fell apart
In Whitehall's black heart,
And the taxpayer, railroaded, paid.
O let there be joy and elation,
Whatever your state and your station!
You beggars, you banks,
Come yell out your thanks -
For Ed says we're all one big nation!
Their picture may well make you jump
And your passion go into a slump
But they have a technique
To make any man shriek
And it's known as the dowager's hump
This tragedy has us all shaken
Grampa's gone and we are not mistaken
But forget the pigs' squeal
We will share his last meal
He'll be there in the ham and the bacon
A rather elaborate ceiling
Is causing a bit of ill-feeling:
The olfactory shock
Of this bibulous flock
Sends the toughest of cardinals reeling.
Political talk in campaigns
Is like sports which the next part explains:
They are both about fame
And in this way the same:
A performance sells better than brains
The debates start between the great hopes
But I'll likely tune in to some soaps
Although they're less funny
My time is my money
And I won't spend it watching those dopes
"Vote blue and go green" - it was pat,
But now it has fallen quite flat.
It seems they mis-spoke,
Their promises broke -
Of course, I would never do that.

Hello and welcome to Limerick Central, the site dedicated to satirising the news through limericks. If you want some inspiration, follow us on Twitter with the button above where we post daily links to stories ripe for ripping.  Fame and prizes await!

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